Jokes


Disability A Republican, a Libertarian, and a Democrat are seated separately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in; unbeknownst to any of them, it is Jesus. The Republican summons the waiter and asks him to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab; the waiter does so. The Libertarian asks the waiter to please serve the poor man iced tea and to put it on his tab. The waiter does so. The Democrat then asks the waiter to bring the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and to put it on his tab. When Jesus is finished eating, He goes over to the Republican and says, "I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat. Thank you. I see you are blind." and He touches the man's eye, and it is healed. Jesus then goes over to the Libertarian and says, "I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink. Thank you. I see you have a bad arm." and He touches the man's arm, and it is healed. Then Jesus walks over to the Democrat. The Democrat moves far back from Jesus and exclaims, "Don't touch me!! I'm on 100% disability!!"


Three Monks Three monks were silently meditating far away from any other people or any modern conveniences. After one year of silence, the first monk remarked, "Pretty cold here." Another year passed in silence and the second monk said, "You know, you're right!" A third year went by and the third monk said, "Look, I'll have to find somewhere else to meditate if you two don't stop bitching!"


Lot's Wife A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"


Heaven or Hell Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate -- approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton" "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra- marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."


Bloopers from the Church Bulletin 1. "On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper." 2. "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


Prawns and Sharks Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again". Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked". Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I'm a prawn again Christian!!!"


Christian Faith There was this Christian lady who had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After a while he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady.


Prayer Power A preacher dies and goes to heaven, where he's greeted at the gate by St. Peter. "Who are you?" St. Peter asks. "I'm Joe Brown. I'm a preacher. I've been preaching the Word of God for 50 years!" "Hmmm..." Peter says. "Let me go check and see if you can come inside." Peter wanders off into Heaven. While he's gone, someone else comes to the gate and knocks. Peter promptly returns to the gate and asks the new arrival: "Who are you?" "I'm Stan Smith," the guy replies. "Stan Smith? Stan Smith the pilot???" Peter exclaims. "Why, that's right," the guy replies. Peter throws open the gate and ushers the new arrival inside with an enthusiastic "Come in! Come in!" "What about me?" asks Preacher Brown. "Give it a few more minutes - we're still checking," Peter replies, and shuts the gate again. After what seems like hours, Peter comes back to the gate and opens it. "We've checked, and it's been decided you can come in," he tells the preacher. The preacher walks in, and while Peter is escorting him to his eternal reward, he asks, "You know, I don't want to seem jealous or resentful, but I've been preaching the Word of God for 50 years, and it took you forever to decide if I could come in. But you practically pulled that pilot out of his shoes getting him inside Heaven's gate. What gives?" "Well," Peter replies, "for 50 years while you preached, people slept in the pews. But every time someone got aboard an airplane with Stan, they were praying their hearts out!"


Dangerous Dancing Why don't Baptists make love standing up? They're afraid it might lead to dancing.


Pilot's Hell Mac died at the controls of a plane and went to pilot's hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." He said, "I'll be right back don't go away," and he vanished. Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed the door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate Mac cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. "Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?" "Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac. "Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's flight attendants' hell."

Women
Why did God create women?

Because after one look at Adam, He realized man was going to need some help

Why did God make men first?

Because he had to make a rough sketch before perfection.


A Football Player's Confession Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist." "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."


Praying in the Chapel Michelangelo is painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he sees an old woman praying the rosary. He decides to take a break and lies back on the scaffolding so the woman can't see him and says in a loud voice, "I am Jesus Christ. Listen to me and I will perform miracles." The old woman is intent on her beads and does not look up. Michelangelo figures that she is hard of hearing, so he shouts, "I am Jesus Christ! Listen to me and I will perform miracles!" With head bent, the woman continues praying so Michelangelo shouts, "I AM JESUS CHRIST! LISTEN TO ME!" The old woman yells back, "Would you shut up? I'm talking to your mother."


How Horrible Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals. They put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We are being boiled alive! They are going eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"


Worse Than We Thought An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..." "What do you mean?" his wife inquired. "Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father.


In The Beginning... In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.


Religious Class At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?" After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said, "Sin?"


Insured A visiting cantor was invited to sing traditional Jewish songs at a Marlboro synagogue. After the services he was bragging that Lloyd's of London has insured his voice for $750,000.00 to members of the congregation. Mrs. Siegel, an older lady, said, 'So cantor, what did you do with the money?'


When Hell Freezes Over An explosion killed a navy boilerman and he wound up in hell. Being used to stroking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling. "You like this?", Satan asked. "Yes, sir", said the sailor, "this feels like a spring day to me." Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a lot. When he went back to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy. He hadn't even broken a sweat. "I like this kind of weather", he told Satan. Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat, he turned it off. He made the sailor's room form icicles. When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear. "Why are you so happy?", Satan demanded. "It's freezing in here!" "I'm from Denver," said the sailor. "and this must mean the Broncos have won the Superbowl!"


Doctor, Lawyer, Preacher The three sons of a lawyer, a doctor and a minister were talking about how much money their fathers made. The lawyer's son said, "My father goes into court on a case and often comes home with as much as fifteen hundred dollars." The doctor's son said, "My father performs an operation and earns as much as two thousand dollars for it." The minister's son, determined not to be outdone, said, "That's nothing. My father preaches for twenty minutes on Sunday morning and it takes four men to carry the money."

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